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Amber was a shy kind of curious..

I loved that about her..

Whenever we hung out she would smile just a little too long.. stare at my mouth just a little too intently.. she constantly played with her hair and bit her lower lip when she focused her attention on me.

Not everyone would pick up on her signals.. in fact, no one we hung out with caught on to her attraction to me.

But I did..

When we were alone and I knew she was staring at me I would turn and look at her with a knowing glance and she would jump.

One day she asked if we could watch a movie at my place sometime. I gave her an open invitation for it.

That night she came over, smelling faintly of alcohol, carrying a bottle of wine.

I grabbed 2 glasses and a bag of salt water taffy while Amber picked out a movie.

Upon my return from the kitchen I saw her curled up on my couch with a single smooth leg outstretched across the rest of the couch as far as it could reach, leaving no room for me to sit unless I were to slide behind her.

I grabbed a cushion, tossed it on the floor in front of her, and used the couch as a back rest.

I heard a quiet sigh behind me, muffled by a fake clearing of her throat.

“Wine?” She asks
“Please” I respond. And she spills a little wine on me as she pours and starts apologizing in a panic.

I sit up on my knees, run my finger along my still wet breast, lick the alcohol from my finger and tell her that it is okay.

I smile as I wipe the rest off with a napkin and settle back down into my oversized cushion.

She drinks a glass and a half of wine while we watch our movie before she touches me and asks if I want to sit on the couch with her.

She needed liquid courage to take that first step.

I pause the movie, turn and look at her & ask if she is sure.. She stares for a moment, speechless, before she whispers “Yes” and moves forward on the couch a little, giving me space to lay down behind her.

I settle in and grab the remote that was by her stomach and I feel her inhale.

“Don’t worry Amber” I breath against her ear “I won’t make a move on you unless you bring me to the bedroom yourself”

We continue watching the movie and she reaches for my hand, unsure if she should touch it, worried that if she grabs my hand that I will pull away.

She finally touches my hand and I lace my fingers with hers. She inhales again, then wraps my arm around her waist.

Every few minutes she takes a deep breathe and readjusts herself on my couch, pressing her ass to my lap, rubbing the back of her head against my neck.

The movie finally ends.

She lays there still, I know she is scared, she reaches for the bottle again. I grab her hand and tell her she doesn’t need that, she just needs to make a decision.

Amber grabs my hand and pulls me off the couch, walks towards the stairs and stops.

“What do you want to do Amber?”

Silence fills the room, a deafening silence.

She looks upstairs and looks back at me.

“What do you want to do Amber” I state.

She grabs my hand again and walks up the first step and says “I want you to take me to your room” she says so quietly it is almost a whisper.

I grip her hand and slowly start walking her up the stairs.. I step into my bedroom leaving her in the hallway and say

“Are you sure?”

She looks at me and says yes

I pull her into my room and sit her down on my bed with her legs dangling off the side. She tries to scamper onto the bed and I put my hand on her thigh

“No, dear. Not yet”

I run my hand through her hair and kiss her forehead.

“We will get to that later, right now I want to undress you”

Her eyes widen and she stutters “b-b-but”

I kiss her mouth, lightly, just long enough to silence her.

I get down on my knees and begin unbuttoning her shirt & slowly start sliding it off her shoulders.

She leans forward to kiss me back, nervous about my watching her shirt slide off her body.

I let her get comfortable again, continue kissing her until her hands stop shaking.

“Stand up” I quietly order and she reaches for my hands to stand me up as well.

I pull my hands away and nod no. “Stand up.” I tell her again.

She does, and her hands start shaking again. I unbutton her jean shorts and slowly slide the zipper down revealing a peek of her underwear.

I drag my fingers down her legs, pulling her shorts off, kissing her stomach and she jumps once more.

I can feel the goosebumps all over her skin, she puts one hand in my hair and grips, while the other grabs her forearm to hide herself with.

She steps out of her shorts and is standing there in her underwear, with a death grip on her arm.

“Shhhhh, you are done sweetheart, the hard part is over” I tell her.

I sit her back on the bed and she scampers up the bed and hides under the covers.

She watches as I peel off my shirt and slide my shorts down to the floor.. I crawl on the bed and curl up under the blankets beside her and pull her against me, she immediately kisses me and wraps her fingers in my hair.

I roll on top of her and settle my legs between her thighs, she wraps her ankles around my calves and moans in pleasure as I deepen the kiss.

“Take off your bra” I say muffled by her taffy flavored lips. She adjusts and starts to peel off her bra for me. She throws it to the floor and reaches for her underwear.

I grab her hand and stop her. We continue kissing and nibbling on each others lips until she starts taking my underwear off.

Once I was naked she reached for her own underwear once more and this time I pinned her hands above her head.

“No” I say and stop her again.

I kiss her neck, nibble on her earlobe and tug just a little.. she giggles and relaxes noticeably.

I slowly work my way down her torso and as nervous as she is, she is excited by my tounge, slowly licking it’s way down her torso, my mouth kissing her sensitive navel, my teeth biting at her soft cotton underwear.

I lick her inner hip and her back arches. She cries out, and grabs my hair.. shoving my face deeper into her hip as her silky smooth thigh runs along my cheek. All I can feel beneath me are muscles rippling, she came already.

I shove her leg back onto the bed and slowly begin to pull her underwear down her long lean legs. She is crying, begging me to hurry.

I inch the underwear down her legs kissing and licking every sensitive part of her as I go down the bed with her panties. I pull them off her feet and she lays there naked, before me, a gift.

She takes a moment to realize it and then starts to hide herself with her hands.

“No” I order.

She looks nervous again..

“You’re beautiful”

She gives a nervous chuckle.. she begins to speak and I cut her off.

“The only words you are allowed to say tonight are words of passion, or stop”

I spread her feet apart and press my hands on her knees exposing her. She lets out another nervous giggle as I lean in and kiss her knee.

I kneel between her thighs and slowly work my way up. She is trembling so much it is shaking the entire bed. She lifts her legs and put them over my shoulders to keep me from pulling away.

I wrap my arms around her thighs and begin eating her out. It doesn’t take long for her to come again

I loved the taste of her, tangy citrus as she trembled beneath my tounge. Once she regained her bearings she grabbed my hair and tugged gently to pull me back up to lay with her.

I crawled back up with her and she curled up against me.

“I have never come before” she whispers into my neck.

I push her away, far enough to look into her eyes and say “Then you are in for a long night”

Bikini Body Mommy 3.0 Day 0

Tomorrow is day one of my Bikini Body Mommy 3.0 adventure..

I fail miserably at these programs.. they are too strict.. they deprive too much.. they work you too hard.. they don’t work you hard enough..

I have decided to do BBM 3.0 and have accountability partners.. I’m actually running this BBM journey with a few online friends.. I’ll be the one posting the videos and asking for updates from the people who have joined me..

I am hoping that since they will be depending on me to keep them motivated, that it means I will stay motivated myself..

I have decided that I will not be following her meal plan.. I will take the supplements that she has suggested and do her work outs.. I will be increasing my water intake as well.. but I will eat what I like and practice moderation.

Bright at early tomorrow morning I will weigh myself for the first time in over a month.. which will be horrifying.. and I will post it publicly  which is even more horrifying..

I went though a depression for that month that I didn’t step on a scale.. and I am a comfort eater..so that doesn’t really bode well for me. I’m not sure what I weigh right now, but I can guarantee that it is more than 200 lbs so I am a bundle of nerves tonight because I know I will not be happy with what I see on the scale.

For now.. I will try not to let it get to me too much.. but seeing as I am writing about it.. it’s not easy to not think of.

I am not sure how regularly I will be posting about it here as I will be posting it in the womens group that I am in and posting it on Instagram.. But I will try to keep you updated.. My invisible reader.. who is so invisible that it doesn’t show in the stats that you have read my blog entries.

I won Dietbet! Now.. to do it again

A little victory happened for me.. as you can tell by the title of my blog.. It was my first dietbet win.

Bigger news.. since August 30th I’ve lost a collective 9.5 inches!
Sad note.. 2 of those inches were in my breasts.. A sad day learning that indeed…

August 20th measurements:
Bust: 44″
Waist: 37″
Hips: 48″
Arms: 13.5″
Thighs: 30″
Weight: 200+lbs Exact Weight Unknown

November 7th, 2014
Bust: 42″
Waist: 35.5″
Hips: 47″
Arms: 13″
Thighs: 28″

I was super proud of my weight loss 3 days ago.. I finally reached a weight that was under 200lbs..

Sadly I’m back at 200.8lbs
I blame it on menstration.. what a horrible way to start a dietbet..

But I am determined to look at the upside..


erm… or a dirty picture of Steve Carell… that works too..

Today I’ve started a new dietbet.. I submitted the weight in this morning and am waiting for it to be confirmed so they can tell me how much I need to lose.. because apparently I can’t do the math on my own… (8.1lbs in 4 weeks.. I did the math post coffee)

I have nothing intelligent to add after this so I am going to leave it at this.. before I put my foot in my mouth

I get by with a little help from my friends

I love the Beatles.. and I love The Wonder Years..

But this isn’t about either.. this is about me actually needing help..

Ever since I got cut back from 50 hours a week down to 15 it’s been a struggle.. Rent going up again isn’t helping… With full time we barely made ends meet as it was pre-rent hike…

Here is where I use emotional black mail to lure you into donating to my site.

I have 2 kids to take care of..

They are my everything.. I love them dearly and cannot afford where I live anymore..
My issue is that I can’t afford moving expenses either.. So I’m asking for your help..

I’m looking for donations to help us move into a new place. We’ve put in our 2 months notice and have to be out New Years Eve.

Before you start asking what I’m doing to help myself I’ll tell you..

– I work part time at a place that gives tips.. I have stopped spending the tips.. they are going to my moving costs..
– I do secret shopping on the side of my part time work and am saving that money as well.. sadly that only pays $3-5 a job and it costs me $3+ just to go out to said locations
– I do Avon as well to earn extra money but am still struggling to make a profit with that little endeavor.. I know a profit can be made.. I did avon once before and managed to make a profit from it back then.. I only stopped because I had 2 other jobs at the time and chose to quit avon.
– I am selling as much of my stuff as I can before the move.. clothes, electronics, craft supplies, artwork.. anything that isn’t nailed down.. and probably even some stuff that is..

But I have debts to pay off.. I’ve used my credit cards to make ends meet and need to pay those off AND pay for my moving expenses..

Once I live in a cheaper place I will be able to get back on track.. and who knows.. I might get a second part time job in the area I will move to..

Right now I’m spending $1800 a month on rent, hydro & transportation and only making $2200 a month, which leaves me with $400 a month for Groceries, bills & emergency expenses.

I know that I can get a cheaper place, I’m currently looking at a place that is $1100 all inclusive. I’d be able to pay off my debts, save some money for the next move I end up doing, buy my kids nice things again and not kill myself trying to make ends meet for a little while.

As you can see, I have an actual plan to get back on my feet, this won’t be me every single week begging for a handout.

Please.. anything you could donate would be incredible I really would like to change my life and I believe this is the first step to doing so.

Just to make donating easier for you, my entire blog is a link to my donate page.

Thanks so much in advance, you have no idea how much your donation means to me.

Big Mama & family.

Dear Rational Thought… I’m sorry

I am a rational person… I believe in science and ever growing knowledge through research, trial & error and a pure need to know the unknown. I have never been one to turn to the paranormal or religion to explain away things I don’t understand..

But there is one thing that I don’t understand.. And I am going to tell you about it right now. You can let me know your opinion good/bad/otherwise in the comments below:

I survived a house fire when I was 16.. 2nd, 3rd & borderline 4th degree burns all over my left leg & some 1st & 2nd on my right leg.

I woke up hearing my brother screaming at me to get up.. I mean screaming the panic in his voice shot me sitting straight up..

When I woke up I was surrounded by blackness & I couldn’t breathe… I looked down at my feet I saw the silhouette of flames around my feet.. Not the bright orange room with flames all around like you see in the movies. I didn’t know what to make of it at first.. until I realized.. it was a fire.. and I was sitting in it

I tore off the blankets, leapt off the bed and ran for the door. I collapsed right by my door and cried out in pain.. that is when my foster mom kicked the door in, grabbed me & dragged me out of the bedroom.

She told me to call 911 and evacuate the house while she tried to put the fire out. So I did.. I hopped downstairs and woke up the other foster kids and told them to get out of the house that it was on fire.

Went back upstairs and called 911 while my foster-siblings not believing me, followed me up the stairs to see what was going on. I told the operator to send a fire truck and they asked if we needed an ambulance and I kept saying “I don’t know if we do, mom they want to know if we meed an ambulance, I don’t know what to say”

She came into the kitchen and asked if my lungs hurt from smoke inhalation at all.. then looked down at my feet and realized that I had more than just smoke inhalation and took the phone out of my hand and told them to send an ambulance.

I stared at her but couldn’t focus on anything.. it was like I was watching her with tunnel vision.. apparently by this time shock was setting in because I was telling her I was alright and saying I just wanted to go back to bed.. I don’t remember that..

I remember being carried by fire fighters

I remember being asked if I knew where I lived.. a lot..

I remember them giving me T3’s when I got to the hospital..

I remember finding out I was allergic to Codeine that night as well when my skull hurt more than my legs did and my chest felt like it was imploding..

I remember being shoved down onto the hospital bed hard and a sharp pain in my thigh.. which I can only come to believe was epinephrine or adrenaline.

And I clearly remember hearing my brother screaming my name to wake me up and get me out of the house.. but the thing is.. he died 3 months earlier..

I would like to think of myself as a rational person.. but I honestly can’t explain why my brothers voice woke me up..

I am glad it did though because the firefighters & doctors said that judging by how bad my burns were.. I must have passed out from smoke inhalation at least once.

Question of the day:
What do you think really happened that night?

Early Weight Loss Entry

So I know I said I would write every 20th & 5th, but I just joined DietBet so I’m writing about that.

I just weighed myself this morning.. 203.5… … … Ouch I remember when 140 was a tragedy…

dreamy smile
Ahh… memories

So I figure.. after tearing apart the work place that I might as well take my measurements again since I’m doing the whole weight loss thing and the inches are more important to me personally anyway…

In 10 days I doubt I’ve made any difference.. but let’s see…

August 20th measurements:
Bust: 44″
Waist: 37″
Hips: 48″
Arms: 13.5″
Thighs: 30″
Weight: 200+lbs

August 30th measurements:
Bust: 44″
Waist: 37″
Hips: 47″
Arms: 13″
Thighs: 29.5″
Weight: 203.5lbs

Apparently 10 days did something.. that’s kinda awesome.. I can honestly say I’m happy now! Woo hoo!


I don’t think I’ve changed my eating habits much, but I have meal planned.. skipped the carbs when the rest is filling.. and am making an effort to cut back the amount of white sugar in my diet.. which is saying a lot since I used to put 2 tsps per cup.. I’m down to 1.5tsps now.. 

That may not seem like much but factor in the fact that I drink 10 cups a day.. I’ve gone from 6 2/3 tbsp of sugar down to 5tbsp I’ve cut out 1 2/3 tbsp of sugar a day.. That is 36.5 less cups a year that I will no longer be consuming. 28,214 less calories a year..

Wholly sheets!

Can you tell I’m bored? Haha.. I’m doing math.. in a blog.. that no one reads..



Anyways.. to sum things up

– I’ve lost 2 collective inches
– I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost
– I’ve joined Dietbet
– I’m bored

Question of the day:
Are you currently doing a weight loss thing? What is yours Paleo? Atkins? Noom? Tell me about it

It’s not baby weight anymore.. I’m fat.

Oh my god what a horrifying thing to say!

Never call anyone out on their size.. it’s so NOT pc!

Well.. I’m fat.. and I know it.. so get over it.. fat isn’t a bad word unless you let it be..

My issue is that I got comfortable in my relationship.. we’ve been together for years and still love each other so much we are totally comfortable around each other..


It’s the 20th.. exactly 3 months until my next birthday.. It is time to start pushing myself..

I’m over 200lbs.. I need to lose weight.. I should be a lot smaller being as I’m only 5’3


I don’t plan on being the next “Biggest Loser” but I need to lose some weight.. and I am starting today..

I get so sick of:

I’m on my period.. period calories don’t count
I’ll start tomorrow.. I’ve already had a cookie, piece of cake, chocolate for breakfast

It’s so close to the end of the month I’ll start next month
I’m so busy.. I have no time to workout..

If I don’t make one excuse.. it’s always another..

Damnit I’m so sick of excuses, I’m doing it now.. today.. I’ve already gone for a walk and lifted weights so I can honestly say I’ve tried.. I’m not sure what I am doing for dinner, but I’m going to find something healthier than I did yesterday.. and that is all I really can do right this moment..

My Daily Routine

My daily routine at work has me standing most days anyway so I am going to start doing stuff to get my blood going at work.. like bouncing on the balls of my feet.. shallow lunges.. shallow squats… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand cut back on the sugar in my coffee.. with how much I drink I bet right there I’ve got a cup of sugar a day..

"Just popping next door to borrow a cuppa sugar."


I’ve got a low cal cookbook that I’ve been making a few recipes from lately





I’ve gotta say.. they are pretty amazing.. and a lot of them are surprisingly filling.. You wouldn’t think so since my family are all big eaters but we actually don’t overdo it with her recipes. I think I’m going to get all of Lisa Lilliens books, she is amazing.. I just wish she had less fake sugar recipes.. I find myself using real sugar for those because of that nagging fear of cancer causing agents in aspartame..

I know! I know.. before you start throwing interwebz links at me saying that it’s a fact that they aren’t linked.. I just want to say.. I’ve had to deal with cancer before.. it is in my history.. my family is chalked full of multiple cancers.. I’m not doing it.. I’m not eating it.. fact or no fact..

There is no proof that ibuprofen is bad for unborn children either, but I refused to take Advil when I was pregnant..

Proof or not. I air on the side of caution..

So.. I’mma hate myself for doing this but.. I’m going to post my stats.. and I will do this twice a month.. to monitor my weight loss and whatever else I’m supposed to monitor..

Bust: 44″
Waist: 37″
Hips: 48″
Arms: 13.5″
Thighs: 30″
Weight: 200+lbs

My weight isn’t accurate seeing as it’s 15:00hrs so I’ve eaten & exercised today so I’m just going to leave it at 200+lbs.. If I was sure what it was first thing in the morning I would have posted the actual weight.

I will be posting on the 5th & 20th of each month my updated stats to see the progress I’ve made.. I’m not sure what I really want out of this other than to be firmer.. I like being curvy, I’m not looking to be super thin.. I’ve been there before and was not happy because my life became all about counting calories and cutting carbs and monitoring every little aspect of my life..

I don’t want to go there again.. I just want to be happy.. and healthy.. and full of energy.. I want my active life back.. without the constant policing of my unhealthy past of dying to look the part.. quite literally.. Eating disorders aren’t fun..

Anyways.. I gotta save some of that stuff for the next bloggy-style with big mama.. so.. for now.. I’m off to do mom stuff.. I’ve been at the computer long enough.

Question: I have no question of the day this time around so how about you ask me one.

You’ve seen mine.. Now show me yours.. Bloggy style

So I have been writing on WordPress for a little while now via mobile.. So.. I may not have the option, which would be completely ridiculous..

But if I can mobile.. How do I read other peoples blog from here? I click on people and go to their Gravatar account.. And not even their whole one.. It cuts their picture in half and makes most links unreachable..

Do I need the desktop version? Obviously people are seeing MY blog.. I don’t know how to see yours though..

A little help please? Even if it is just the link to your blog in my comments section.

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